Buckets and waterfalls

One of the recurring themes I have been meditating on is God's provision for me.  Not in the sense that 'God provides for people' in general broad sweeping terms, but that he really cares for me, Melissa Joy Lundquist, in a very specific way.  An entire wardrobe of clothing has been given to me for free (I do not care in the LEAST that they are second hand), to having just enough funds to cover the cost of unexpected medical bills with my unexpected bonus, God has continually proven he will take care of me.   I actually have a running list in my head.  Now there's a list to mull over!  Thankfulness does not even express how grateful I have been in these times of need.

But what about those times where I bring my WANTS to God? I try really hard not to treat God like Santa Clause or a vending machine.  At least this has been what I have been told to avoid growing up in church. "God won't give you a red Ferrari just because you ask for it!"  My solution for years has been to avoid asking, or ask only for the things I really need. But I'm discovering that I can ask my Heavenly Father for things in the context of relationship with him, and it is something entirely different.  My Dad loves to hear my voice, he loves to talk with me, and he wants me to talk to him about the things that are one my heart- big or small, including my wants.

About two weeks ago I had been bitten by the crafting bug (this overwhelming NEED to make something right.now.) and I was in the middle of a really difficult day at work. This was the perfect storm for  me to get whiny and discontent. I tried not to let this spill over to my coworkers or people I interacted with, so I whined to God.  It went a little something like:

  "I wish I was hoooooome, doing something elllllllllse.  Like crafting.  Or sewing that box thing.  But I don't even have the supplies *pout*.  Blarg.  I'm trying to be a good steward.  I really am.  But how about you let me go to JoAnn fabrics after work and buy that $4 zipper that isn't part of my budget this week....What do you mean "no"??  Seriously? ....What do you mean "When am I going to have the time to even work on this until next pay period?"  Awww...God...*pout*....I know!  How about I just post something on the classified adds at work!  Maybe somebody will be getting rid of some scraps or something I could use to take the edge of this crafting thing....AND THEN I'LL CHECK PINTEREST!!" 

(on my lunch break...of course..)...  So I posted on the online classifieds at work  "looking for fabric scraps" and a brief, pithy description of what I would like.  And then I waited.  And waited.   And waited.  And absolutely nothing happened.

I was a bit bummed, but it gave me some room to deal with my craptastic attitude. Sometimes turning that whiny- poverty mindset around takes all of my effort.  But its worth it. My most helpful tool is thankfulness.  I started thanking God that I had a job.  That one didn't go down really well at first.... so I just I kept repeating why I was thankful and managed to put more and more of my heart behind it through each repetition.  It doesn't always sound great.  But it went something like this:   'Thank you that I have a job, when so many others don't.  Thank you for my coworkers, and for my cubical that- while small-I don't have to share and I get to make my 'own space'.  Thank you for good music to listen to while I'm working.  Thank you for humor and working for a company that will pay for half my bus pass. Thank you that I work down town and get to interact with some many people and that each day can be an adventure...."  Just thanking him for everything I could think of.  I swear its like a reset button on my mood.

About a week later, I sat typing away in my cubicle and I felt a nudge from God to 'post again' on the classified ads at work.  I hadn't been thinking of crafting, it just kind of came out of the blue. So I typed up a little something and posted it and went back to work.  I remember asking God what he was up to, it seemed so random. I told Him it would be nice to get a small box of fabric out of the deal but I would be content with whatever turned up. Three hours later Jan emailed me.  Apparently Jan is moving to Arizona and has a few things she would like to pass along.  'A tub or two' she says.

As it turns out, Jan is a life long dress maker who has a lot of supplies she hasn't been able to part with. 5 bins of fabric filled with wool, jersey, satin, knit, interfacing, lining, heat resistant oven mit material (perfect for the table runner I am making!),  two bins of every color thread imaginable, one bin of buttons and zippers (just like the one I wanted to buy, but LOTS of them), 1 box of patterns, and a dress form (in my size) later - I can help but hear God laughing with me.  For all of you non-sewers out there, I would estimate I received  about $300-$400 worth of supplies. How much did I pay for it? $0.00.  Yep. that's right!  Nothing.  It was absolutely free.:)

 "This is how I bless" he says,  "with waterfalls when you ask for buckets. Ask me for bigger things..." That sounds like a lovely challenge!

What I thought I wanted:

What God gave me (yay God!):

Family in the skyway

Recently, I have been talking to my mentor about when to act when I hear God's leading, and when to act because it is the right thing to do.  I'm a bit of a 'see a need, fill the need' type girl, but after a recent encounter I felt God reminding me that I am not free to put myself in certain situations. When I gave my life to him, that really meant everything and there are times when he will ask me to use extreme wisdom. The beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord (proverbs something) and I need to make sure that I am checking in with him regarding all situations, especially those that are potentially dangerous.  Caution does not mean stop, it simply means caution.

There are other times that I think we do the good that is in our path.

Yesterday, there was a family of four in my path to my car - literally.  They were camped out in the skyway from the Government Center to the parking garage. They were tired, and worn around the edges.  The dad (I assume) had a sign asking for help, and he greeted passersby’s.  The mom stared determinedly out of the window as she held her sleeping 4 year old on her lap.  She looked like she had given up and refused to engage in any conversation or catch my eye as I talked with her partner.  Their school age daughter colored in her coloring book between them.

So the first thing I did when I saw this family was say hello, and crouch down to their level next to the 'dad' as he was their point of contact. I started to talk with him - 'hi', 'how's it going?'  I tried to start the conversation lightly to see where it will lead.   The 'dad' talked with me about his family and where they were staying, and how some difficulties with their social worker and paper work may see them removed from their housing.  As the dad talked, I became very aware of my $5.00 Target gift card in my wallet.  I had no cash to offer, and I try never to give out money.** I realized this was the good I could do today.  As I listened to the gentleman I prayed and asked God if he would like me to help beyond the gift card.  Was I supposed to help them with resources, work with God to bless them with something spiritual, buy them dinner? 

As I was praying, and the man talking, a woman approached and asked if we were having a conversation.I am very proud of this woman!   There is definitely a learning curve to these things and I think this may have been one of the woman's first 'attempts'.  WAY TO GO LADY! I'm so glad she decided to take a leap and help. If I could have asked for anything more, it would simply have been to have her focus on the family as people dealing with a problem, not as a problem themselves.  We all goof it, and get nervous, and I am so glad this lady stepped out like she did.  I cringe only because she told the family by way of introduction that homelessness is a 'big problem', how she thinks it is so sad.   She sees families all over down town and its just so hard to see. She's telling this to a family that is LIVING in a semi permanent situation begging for money....  However, she had been on her phone previously and she was calling friends to see if she could find resources or places for them to stay!  Apparently, this woman used to work with an organization that helped families find shelter and semi-permanent residence. Prayer: answered.  Yay God!

I quickly became a ‘third wheel’, so I said my goodbyes, left the gift card, and walked to my car…..where I then paid $7 for parking and marveled at how I would spend more money on parking than on helping feed a family with a $5 gift card.  Blarg!  This was my learning experience for the day. All of my choices affect others, directly or indirectly. Now I will have $7.00 less to spend elsewhere, like helping that family buy dinner tonight.

While I am extremely thankful to have had the opportunity to briefly connect with this family, I find myself realizing I need to take a better track.  I can be all sorts of nice, and spiritually bless a person’s day.  I’m a walking ambassador for the kingdom.  But, this wonderful, nervous woman, on her cell phone helped this family much more than I did.  She had the resources to actually bring change.  I don't want to be unprepared for the next 'in my path' or 'on assignment' moment. So I'm rounding up my resources.  I'm volunteering at the next Project Homeless Connect (which is an amazing bi-yearly event!  Check it out here: http://www.homelessconnectminneapolis.org/) to gain exposure to more of the organizations that are currently available to help.   I'm also going to really start watching my Ps and Qs when it comes to that small amount I spend for "fun", or because I wake up late and have to drive into work.  I want to be a good steward of what God has given me, and I'm so very aware that most of what I have is supposed to pass through my hands and not stay here with me.

Today, I can't seem to shake the image of the mom holding her exhausted kiddo, staring out of the skyway window. I wish I had more time to get to know them, but I am really thankful for the resources that came their way when they did!  Its not about me.  It’s about them.


**As a side note: I typically don't 'help' with money.  I don't because I do not want to directly fund drug addiction.  People I dearly love have struggled, and still struggle with addiction and I would hate to have strangers enable them. I simply can't let getting the next fix be that easy.  What I will do is give out gift cards, pre-paid bus cards, and give resources and phone numbers to local shelters and safe havens.  I will also give rides to people (providing they aren't scary, and due to my convo with God, when I feel his prompting...). 

I intend these posts to be a glimpse into my learning experience.  So, I welcome questions, comments or resources!

Letter to a Dear Friend

Jessica Ann Johnson,

I write you this letter in the hopes when meet you will see that there hasn't been a year that I haven't thought of you, and asked God for your protection and peace. I saw you on the streets 3 years ago, looking much like that 13 year old girl I met so long ago, flannel shirt tied around your waist, flared jeans and a determined look on your face.   I know that there has been pain since the last time we saw each other, and I am so sorry that life has been so hurtful.

Every time I think of you I pray for you, every.stinking.time. I ask God to reveal his love for you in ways you will see it; and I ask God to open your eyes.  Sometimes belief comes before seeing, so I asked him to help you believe.  And I asked God to break the power of our youth pastor's (J's) words in your life.  When you tentatively gave your heart to Jesus, he took it Jess, with so. much. joy! And NOTHING can separate us from his love.  A scared, hurting, 15 year old girl's half hearted attempt to end her life is NOT the unforgivable sin. God longs to wrap you in his arms and hold you.  And that's what J should have done.  Not set your destination as "hell -  first class".   The Bible says it’s better for huge stone to be tied around someone’s neck and then tossed into the sea than to cause one of God's little ones (you) to sin (or walk away from him).  J is the one in trouble love.  Not you.

I regularly dream that you I meet by chance on some Minnesota street, and I hug you, and you let me.  I dream I come upon some interaction where you are in process of meeting Jesus again, maybe through conversation with friends, or with people out talking to folks on Nicollet Mall, and you see me and I tell you that you have never left my mind. And somehow you see God’s faithfulness.  I would love to be there for that.  But really, I just want you to know his love.

So my friend, I ask God to bless you, and to draw you to Him.  And I will keep asking. 

Until we meet.

Love,
Melissa

Thankfulness and bagels

I wish I could capture this moment. It is raining outside. A cold spring rain that may turn into inches of snow overnight.  But for now I can only hear the rain drops, the first of the year. The light from the floor lamp is golden and warm. I sit on my comfortable couch, in warm, snuggly clothes, and take in the homeiness of my house.  I love the little artifacts that speak to the love of the people that dwell here.  It puts my heart at ease.  Its so safe, and snug, and home. Johnathan David Hessler sings in the back ground.  A soft piano rift  tenderly speaking the name "Abba" and the beauty of the relationship that dwells in that name.

I relax in a day spent well; full of life and learning and practice and the presence of my Father.

I am so thankful.

 I am thankful for the moments spent praying with friends.  I am thankful for the incredible displays of Holy Spirit's love for me and for others, and for his detailed attention to our hearts' needs.

Yesterday I prayed with one of my dearest friends.  Holy Spirit flowed off her in radiating waves of heat, spiritual energy. He is so faithful!  I have never experienced such a powerful moment!  And she was healed from a debilitating headache, but I suspect the heart healing was far greater.  I am so blessed to have been a part of that wonderful moment.

Later that day I met an amazing man named Thomas.  Holy Spirit sent me on an errand to bring a bagel to one of his kids downtown. This was fortuitous because I also needed change for the bus. I met Thomas on the corner of Nicollet and 7th.  He had a sign stating he was a disabled vet and had his veteran's card out to prove it.  I liked his honesty and after a loop to confirm I felt Holy Spirit leading me to him (I only had one bagel), I sat down to speak with him.  He was jumped 5 years ago and suffered brain damage.  The first thing he told me is that it was nice to meet me but he may not remember me if he sees me again. Both his short and long term memory are affected.  I used to work with folks suffering with Alzheimers  and recognize some of the patterns of how memory loss is displayed in speech.  He wasn't conning me.  He has several children, who are now grown, and an ex-wife who states she wouldn't have divorced him if he thought more about how he said things. I could tell this still stung. He has a social work visit next week to determine his status in transitional housing, and was brought back from the dead twice after he was jumped.  He was a 'vegetable' (his words) for 6 months before he came out of the comma to find a yellow toe tag stating DNR securely attached to his foot.  Thomas is a miracle.  And his loved.  So. incredibly. loved.

After about 10 minutes we were approached by a man whose name I can't remember.  John maybe?  He started up like an interested sales man, and quickly asked me if I had a relationship with Jesus Christ.  Why yes I do, thanks John!:) He launched into explaining why he and his colleague were out sharing the Gospel.  He had some puns and ways of turning Thomas's story back to a 'faith conversation'.  I was a little annoyed at John.  I just wanted to take some time to get to know Thomas.  This guy had an agenda.  And it was seriously disrupting my listening. I indicated that I was just talking with Thomas to kind of share with him myself. John gave me the eye and asked "So we are on the same team then, yes?' Sure.  I guess so.  I'm not going to make any judgments about his motives. Maybe he's just out here trying to be obedient to Holy Spirit, too.

At that point I tell Thomas that God had me come down there to give him the bagel, because he is loved.  He says thanks and means it. He asks if I will put it in his back pack.  I stick my fancy bagel I got at discount into his almost empty pack as he turns around. John echos my sentiments that God must really have him "in his sights" because he sent both of us to him.  I agree with this as God sees Thomas and really cares for him.  John asks me a question, and I know its going to be a big deal to him because he starts with "let me ask you a question."  Ok.  "Do you have a church you attend regularly?"  Thomas informs him that he used to go to church....over there...but he can't remember where because he has short term and long term memory loss.  You see, he was mugged, and died twice.... John returns his question to me. Why, yes I do! "Which one? " I sense a set up, and I try not to let my concern that my new friend John might be part of a cult show on my face.  I'm trying really hard.

I tell him where I go to church. He's never heard of it.  I think it's his turn to try not to not let his concern I might be part of a cult show on his face.  Ok.  Fair.  My church name sounds like something from science class.  Whatever.  John belongs to something- something-Tabernacle. I can't figure out if this is Jewish or JW or what, so I ask. He said its Pentecostal.   Ok.  Holy Spirit, holy roller.  I can dig it.

After a few more points of conversation that seem to still have John and I trying to determine who the other is, I am getting frustrated that I am no longer listening to Thomas. He is the reason I am here.  So when John and Thomas start comparing their past military experience I asked God if I can gets to getting, and I feel a release to go. Better one of us should focus on Thomas than distract the other.  I tell Thomas that it was really nice meeting him.  And I mean it.  With all my heart.  The thing with John has been distracting to say the least, but still periphery. My heart is still full of affection for Thomas. Thomas says it was really nice talking to me, but he may not remember me if he sees me again, as he has short term and long term memory loss.  I tell him that's ok.  I will remember him, and remind him.

I'm praying for Thomas today.  For his social work appointments.  For his heart.  For God to be his filter, and for his soul to hear and understand the deeply compassionate love of the Father, even if his mind struggles.  I haven't prayed for John yet.  But I'm getting there.  I'm not mad at him, or even really irritated. I just want him to love Thomas because he is lovable and because he is there.

I'm glad Thomas isn't cold tonight, that he has some where to go.  I hope that he has snuggly couches and warm clothes to help make the night more enjoyable. But mainly, I hope I see him again.  I want to find him on Nicollet Mall if he is there and I want to finish hearing his story.  I want to be love to Thomas, and I think Love takes time to get to know you, to hear the details of your heart, to come along side you in the daily grind of life and make your next steps filled with joy. Maybe bagels and listening will help Thomas experience the tangible love of God and maybe it won't.  Maybe Love will look like an powerful encounter with Holy Spirit in his radiance like my dear friend experienced when we prayed together. Maybe it will be something altogether different.  I don't have  nice bow to tie this one up. I'm just excited I got to be a part of both moments, got to love both people with God.  Sign me up for more Monday's like this!!

Freedom

Today is the day that the Lord has made, I will be glad and rejoice in it - Psalm 118:24


Thank you Father for setting me free
Thank you Father, for telling me that I am yours
your joy flower
your daughter
your beloved

Thank you for showing me how much you care for me
And then showing me all over again

Its your consistency
your persistence
your
constant
love
for me
that will bring change

It is your Spirit that has infused my life
And in this melding, I am made into a fragrant incense
a holy aroma
death and decay have lost their grip, their piercing sting

Thank you Father for you tender mercies that never fail
Thank you for wings.
Thank you for wind and breath and life

Thank you for being the God off all impossible ventures
of all whispered hopes, of all true dreams

Thank you for saving me